3 signs that you’re actually just a doormat, not an empath
Psychology Today defines empathy as “the ability to recognize, understand, and share the thoughts and feelings of another person, animal, or fictional character.” Empathy is an important quality to have, as it strengthens connections and creates a safe and secure foundation in relationships.
But many people confuse empathy with being a pushover. You can be empathetic while still maintaining firm boundaries, demanding respect and honoring your own values, morals and needs.
Coming from someone who still has footprints on his back from being led all over the place, here are three signs you’re a doormat, not an empathy.
1. You feel guilty about setting boundaries
You know what they say: empathy without limits is self-destruction.
Although it may make you feel uncomfortable, setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s protective, both for yourself and your relationships. Saying “yes” when you want to say “no,” pleasing people to avoid difficult conversations, and swallowing your discomfort to avoid being “discomfort” does not make you empathetic. In fact, it makes you a doormat.
Of course, even the most kind-hearted person can unconsciously take advantage of your lack of boundaries. If you don’t respect yourself, communicate your needs and protect your peace, no one else will do it for you.
2. You tolerate and excuse disrespect
Have you ever watched your beautiful, talented, successful, vibrant best friend slowly lose their spark while you were in a toxic relationship with a disrespectful partner? If so, remember them next time you are tolerate disrespect.
I won’t pretend I haven’t been that friend before. Due to my own insecurities, mental health struggles, and low self-esteem in my 20s, I found myself engaging in behaviors I would never deal with now in my 30s. I let friends talk down to me, let ex-boyfriends play with my heart, and even once let a boss berate me on a work call until I sobbed, even though I hadn’t done anything wrong.
Needless to say, I tolerated disrespect from others because I didn’t respect myself. In fact, I continued to blame myself in each and every one of these situations and made excuses for their behavior: My friend was probably just in pain and suffering! My ex was just lonely and confused! My boss was just stressed and took it out on me! Excuses, excuses, excuses.
To some extent I have did play a role in those situations by allowing people to treat me unkindly. But eventually I got a backbone and cut every one of them off. That doesn’t mean I don’t wish them luck or feel their pain. It just means it’s no longer my problem and it’s certainly not my bill.
3. You feel responsible for other people’s feelings
This leads me seamlessly to my next point… Other people’s feelings are not yours to solve. You can empathize all you want and offer compassion, support and grace. But if you feel it’s your responsibility to regulate other people’s emotions by diminishing yourself, you’re basically offering yourself up as an emotional punching bag.
How many times have you denied your own needs or downplayed your own desires to avoid a reaction from someone else? For example, let’s say you feel neglected in your relationship. Instead of telling your partner that you need more quality time and communication, you suppress those needs because you don’t want to hurt or frustrate them.
Maybe you’re used to hearing half-baked excuses like, “I’m sorry, I’m such a terrible partner!” or maybe you’re used to being met with anger. Either way, don’t downplay it your feelings to protect or manage someone else’s emotions.
