3 Ways ‘Tolyamory’ Sabotages Your Relationship
“Tolyamory” is the new dating trend where one partner pushes for polyamory while the other simply tolerates it. Some people are willing to do almost anything for the person they love, but how far is too far? Let’s dive in.
What is ‘Tolyamory’?
Simply put, “tolyamory” is a portmanteau of “tolerating polyamory.” Don’t want it. Don’t feel like it. But let it happen, often to the benefit of your partner, but to your own detriment.
The first person known to use the term “tolyamory” is podcaster and columnist Dan Savage. In an episode of his podcast, “Savage Lovecast,” he defined a person very much in love as: “someone who is willing to turn a blind eye to a lap dance or a brief affair after years of marriage.”
“They are able to focus on all the ways their spouse shows their commitment and shows their love,” he continues. “And all the other ways compensate or make acceptable the cheating that might happen.”
So…let’s get this straight: tolyamory is not same polyamory. In fact, much of the polyamorous community despises the term/concept.
While someone may agree to tolyamory in their relationship or marriage, this term describes an imbalance of wants/needs. One person craves the freedom to connect with others, while the other goes along with it simply because they don’t want to lose the connection. So it is not entirely ethical polyamory, where both parties are on board and agree.
As Bruce Y. Lee, MD, MBA, explains in his Psychology today article on the subject, “(tolyamory is) also not the same as being cheated on. When you do tolyamory, you know what your partner is doing. You just choose not to do anything about it.”
The agreement does not come from a place of mutual interest, but rather a place of powerlessness.
3 Ways Tolyamory Hurts a Relationship
1. It creates an unfair Power Dynamic
When a person feels pressured to tolerate something they are actually uncomfortable with, this naturally creates an unfair power dynamic. One partner gives up their wants, needs, values and boundaries in a relationship, while the other prioritizes their own. This imbalance can create a wide range of problems.
Not to mention, even unintentionally, people often take advantage of the selflessness of others. If their partner doesn’t object to their behavior, they may not see the point in stopping—or worse, they may push even further.
2. It breeds anger
If you have to “put up” with your partner hooking up with other people, it’s only a matter of time before you burst with anger. This can happen on both sides, with the freedom-seeking partner feeling held back and the tolerant partner feeling let down.
Unless both people are comfortable with and satisfied with the new arrangement, it may be wise to admit your incompatibilities and end the relationship—before anger destroys it.
3. It tests limits
Borders exist for a reason. If a relationship started with the idea that both partners were monogamous and committed to each other, a shift towards tolyamory naturally pushes those boundaries. The person who advocates freedom may expect their partner to be on board, pushing them to accept something they never signed up for or wanted themselves.
Of course, people are allowed to change their minds at any time. But if both parties do not agree on the new arrangement, and one sacrifices their own needs and values, this is a recipe for disaster.
