Do you expect too much from your partner … or do you settle for too little?
Modern daters seem to be raising their standards in dating – as they should. But are we perhaps taking it a little too far and expecting perfection in the form of a loving partner?
Or in other words: Are we expecting too much – or not enough– from our partners?
Are we holding our partners to unrealistic standards?
I’m not here to shame anyone’s wants or needs in a relationship. We all have unique standards for a fulfilling relationship.
However, I think most of us can agree that social media shows us an often unsustainable high.
For example, I’ve seen a ton of content on social media that glorifies grand gestures, expensive date nights, and weekly bouquets as if their absence is a moral failure. These are all nice perks, of course, but they aren’t necessarily the hallmarks of a healthy relationship.
And then we have the dating content that shames the very essence of being human. God forbid you have a bad mental health day, say the wrong thing in the heat of the moment, or come across as, you know, a human and not a pleasant AI partner.
(Important note: This does not apply to cases of abuse.)
Or … Are we normalizing the bare minimum?
At the same time, some dating content has pointed out the many ways we settle into our relationships. Many of today’s daters don’t feel the same pressure to rush into a relationship or stay in something unfulfilling just to avoid being alone.
We may not be able to figure out the same issues our parents did, maybe we are more willing to call out harmful or unfair behavior from our partners, or maybe we are just seeking deeper connections. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
But so many of us are still impressed by the bare minimum. We think we owe someone a chance just because they’re kind, or we stay just because our partner hasn’t done anything too terrible. Perhaps we have been conditioned to take what we can get in love.
Finding the balance between ‘Too Much’ and ‘Not enough’
Many Gen Zers and Millennials did not have healthy examples of love in their childhood. Whether they had divorced parents who trash-talked each other or married parents who were so deep in anger that they barely showed affection, the damage was done. They grew up knowing exactly what they wanted – and even more, what they wanted did not lack.
But along the way many of us have overcorrected. For example, if you grew up with parents who screamed at each other every other night, you may be completely averse to any conflict and flee at the slightest disagreement. Or, if one of your parents had an affair, you might assume you can’t trust anyone and look for signs of disloyalty without ever giving anyone a full chance.
Sometimes we set our standards to impossible heights, knowing that no one can reach them. That way, we risk not getting attached enough to get hurt.
Everyone is entitled to their own standards. I give my friends (and myself) this advice: If you can’t meet your own standards, they may be too out of reach. If you can meet your own standards, you have every right to expect them in return.
It’s nuanced, of course, as some people fall into more traditional roles. A woman might want a man who provides for them so they don’t have the same expectation of themselves. But if you feel like you’re both giving equally in your own way while allowing yourselves to be human in the process, I’d say you have a healthy balance.
Every relationship should have a basic foundation of love, trust and respect. You can build from that together, as a team.
