3 Symptoms of OCD No One Talks About (But I Deal With Every Day)
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is one of the most misunderstood and stigmatized mental disorders out there, as well as one of the most disabling. In fact, in the US it is legally considered a disability. Needless to say, it goes far beyond the stereotypical symptoms of cleanliness and organization.
Wondering what OCD really looks like in action? Here are three symptoms of OCD that no one talks about.
1. Ego-dystonic intrusive thoughts
Many people love to preach about the importance of mental health awareness until someone who is actually diagnosed with a condition speaks their truth. Then suddenly they shame the very essence of their experience. I see it so often on social media when someone opens up about their taboo, ego-dystonic intrusive thoughts.
OCD produces some of the most disturbing, violent images and ideas, often convincing the sufferer that they want to harm themselves or others. For example, when I was first diagnosed with OCD as a child, my greatest fear and most disturbing obsession was that I would hurt my mother. It all stemmed from sitting in the kitchen talking to her while she was cooking dinner one night. While she was chopping vegetables, I thought, “What if I grabbed the knife and stabbed her?”
Of course I didn’t want to do this. I was terrified to somehow lose control and hurt her, so much so that I avoided hugging my own mother for weeks until the fear finally passed.
OCD thoughts are incompatible with a person’s values and incredibly distressing to the sufferer. In other words, they are not a reflection of the person’s desires or beliefs. They are directly opposed to them, which is why OCD sufferers will usually spend days trying to “rationalize” the thought.
Another common subtype of OCD is called pedophilia-OCD or POCD, which is essentially obsessive fear to become a pedophile. (Key words: fear.) Can you imagine how disturbing it must be for those who suffer from that very intrusive thought? Some have avoided their younger family members or even tried to turn themselves in to the authorities because they convinced themselves they were monsters.
2. Pathological guilt
One thing that many OCD sufferers have in common is the inherent belief that they are a terrible person. I mean, it’s hard to believe you’re good when you’re constantly bombarded with ego-dystonic thoughts like the ones listed above.
But even when I’m kind, I still question my intentions and wonder if I have a selfish reason for behaving that way.
No matter how much I try to remind myself that I am a good friend, partner, daughter, employee, human being, etc., my brain will find a way to prove otherwise. Aside from anxiety, my most common emotions are guilt and shame. I blame myself for almost everything and I can always find a reason to beat myself up. (Newflash: Anyone can if they focus solely on their flaws! Nobody’s perfect, but OCD expects you to be.)
3. Poor self-esteem
It’s hard to have a solid sense of self when your brain is constantly beating you down and making you question your own values. With the ego-dystonic thoughts and persistent shame, those with OCD often have a weak or underdeveloped identity. They are highly dependent on reassurance from others, which in turn gives away their power.
For example, one of my biggest OCD struggles is relationship OCD (ROCD). This causes me to overanalyze my romantic relationship like it’s a specialty, especially when it comes to how I show up as a partner.
I often have trouble asserting my needs or setting boundaries because I fear doing so is selfish or controlling. (At least that’s what my OCD tells me.) And then I’ll either become who I think my partner wants me to be, or I’ll ask others for their opinion on the matter before developing my own.
As I posed in my Substack post titled “Self-Abandonment Will Never Guarantee Love and Safety”: How can you discover who you are if you are constantly asking permission from those around you?
