If people constantly disrespect you, it’s probably because you do this
Sometimes kind, selfless people don’t realize that they are actually allowing people to respect them. Simple gestures like apologizing for no reason or having weak boundaries can cause you to give up your own comfort and sense of self.
If you find yourself constantly feeling taken advantage of or treated unfairly, perhaps you need to pause and reflect on yourself and ask yourself what role you play. Here are four ways you can accidentally teach people to respect you.
1. You don’t enforce your boundaries
It is easier to set limits than it actually is enforce you. You might say them once or twice, but when someone crosses them, do you hold that person accountable? If not, you are essentially teaching them that they can continue to push back without consequence.
For example, let’s say your parent uses you as a therapist for their problems. You try to set boundaries with them and request that they not dump their feelings on you or reveal intimate details about their marriage, but they continue to do so. After a while, you end up just listening, figuring that it would take more energy to enforce your boundary than just lending an ear. Unfortunately, this teaches your parents that they can push your boundaries and get what they want.
2. You do not express your discomfort
Expressing our discomfort about something is not always… well, comfortable. This is especially true if you are dealing with someone who trivializes your feelings or invalidates your experience.
For example, let’s say your partner is friends with their ex and you have an understanding that their relationship is now platonic. For the most part, you are cool with the dynamic and trust them as long as there is no inappropriate or disrespectful behavior.
That said, you have expressed that you are uncomfortable with intimate conversations or constant communication. Yet when you’re lying in bed with your partner late at night, you notice them engaging in a deeply emotional text exchange with their ex—which has been going on for the past several days. The pit in your stomach continues to grow every night, yet you let it slide. You don’t express your discomfort or express your feelings. You just have to deal with it, don’t want to rock the boat.
Unfortunately, this is a slippery slope that can sabotage even the healthiest of relationships.
3. You apologize too much
Admitting when you’re wrong and taking responsibility for your actions is admirable, but overcomplaining—or saying sorry for no good reason—can quickly turn you into an emotional doormat.
Are you constantly apologizing for things you didn’t do wrong? Does “Sorry” slide off your tongue like a catchphrase? Unfortunately, this is a common habit, especially for women. But when you let other people blame you—or you blame yourself—for someone else’s mistakes, you invite a pattern of disrespect.
4. You give up your values for others
This is a sneaky but dangerous one…if you find yourself going against or even justifying your own boundaries just to make someone else happy or comfortable, you are essentially respecting yourself– which often encourages others to do the same.
For example, let’s say you value intimacy within a romantic relationship. You don’t judge others for having sex without commitment, but that’s simply not what you wishes for yourself. But when you date, you allow others to pressure you into doing things you don’t want to do. Maybe it’s your friends telling you to “loosen up” and take a more relaxed approach, or maybe it’s a random dating app date who’s hoping to get lucky and is a bit also continuously.
Either way, if you don’t stand by your values, you can quickly lose yourself and invite disrespect into your life. Your values don’t have to be universally shared to be meaningful.
