4 Ways Relationship OCD Tries to Sabotage My Love Life (While I Try Not to Let It)
I recently read a beautiful passage in the novel Before I let go by Kennedy Ryan, which followed a divorced couple who have endured the unimaginable and are still very clearly in love:
“I was no walk in the park.”
“Who wants to go to the park? I think that man would run wild with you.”
This line struck a chord with me, especially as someone who often feels “too much” or “not enough” in dating.
Every single person on this planet carries their own baggage. Mine happens to come in the form of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), which can greatly affect your relationships. In fact, there is even a subtype of the disorder known as relational OCD (ROCD).
Wondering how OCD can show up in dating? Here are four ways ROCD is trying to sabotage my love life. (Note: If you experience these symptoms, know that you are still worthy of a healthy, loving relationship.)
1. It tears my partner apart
If you live with OCD, or you’ve read some of my previous OCD content, you probably already know that the disorder can act as a massive, heartless bully. In the same way that it attacks everything about me—my looks, my personality, my mistakes, my insecurities—it does it to everyone I date. It will produce some of the meanest, most judgmental thoughts that are completely ego-dystonic but feel incredibly real. This makes it difficult to be present or focus on my connection with that person.
I remember once walking away from someone I absolutely adored, all because I couldn’t handle the guilt and shame of looking them in the eye while experiencing such horrible thoughts about them—thoughts I didn’t agree with but couldn’t interrogate. At the time, I didn’t understand how ROCD worked. I thought that having these thoughts in the first place meant I was a terrible person. I thought I didn’t deserve true love and that I needed to let my lover find someone who was actually worthy of their heart.
2. It convinces me that I am a bad partner
I recently wrote about my obsession with being a good partner, a classic symptom of relationship OCD. Every time I make the slightest mistake in my relationship, bother my partner in any way, or even state a simple need, I convince myself that I’m controlling or asking too much.
It’s hard to feel like an empowered, safe person when your brain is constantly shaming you for your most human needs. As a result, I have developed a terrible habit of overcoming and downplaying my own emotions. But having an understanding partner has helped me express my desires and my boundaries with unwavering confidence, knowing they matter just as much as his.
3. It triggers constant comparisons
As much as I hate to admit it—because it’s not a “healthy” or “beautiful” thing to do—my OCD constantly compares me to others. Every time I enter a relationship, my brain points out all the ways in which I am “lesser” than the other women in my partner’s life.
Fortunately, I’ve worked on myself enough to not let this turn me against any woman or affect my connection with my partner. In fact, I try to channel this energy towards uplifting others because I don’t want anyone to feel the way I do.
Still, that doesn’t mean my brain isn’t still tearing me apart and screaming all the ways I fall short. My internal dialogue goes like this: “You are not as beautiful as her. Your body is not as nice as hers. You have (x flaws) that she does not have, so you are not as worthy as she is. Why should anyone love you over another woman? They have so much more to offer and they don’t have all the insecurities you have. They are probably not as needy as you. Someone else would be a better fit for your girlfriend.”
Imagine having that soundtrack in your head 24/7 and still trying to feel confident… It’s incredibly difficult, but thankfully therapy works wonders. I’m getting to the point where I can just shrug my shoulders and say: “Yes, all women are amazing in their own way, just like I’m amazing in my own way. If he wants someone else, then he’s not for me.”
But damn itit takes a lot of me to be scolded by my own brain.
4. It convinces me that I need certainty in my relationships
I can’t tell you the number of connections I’ve probably sabotaged because of my need for complete security. Of course, some of the men I dated were also evasive and unsympathetic to my feelings, so that didn’t help my case. But in my 20s, I overanalyzed most aspects of my relationships and would—no need– knowing that I was compatible with the person. I worried more about timelines and life goals than the average person, and while those are important compatibility factors in a relationship, they don’t need to be treated with such fear and seriousness.
One concept that has been both triggering and encouraging to my OCD is the idea that we will never be completely certain about any relationship. Even when you get married, there’s still a chance that someone can change their mind, cheat, grow distant, fall for someone else, etc. Of course, we (hopefully) don’t go into a relationship obsessed with all of these negative possibilities. But the truth is, we’ll never quite know if someone is “the one” for us—whether we’re wasting our time or making the right choice.
In my (more healed and grounded) opinion, love is a risk worth taking. All you can do is make a commitment based on what you know in that moment, take that commitment seriously by showing up for your relationship, and trust yourself to handle whatever comes your way.
