I recently wrote an article about the new dating trend called “tolyamory,” not to be confused with polyamorous, a form of ethical non-monogamy. Tolyamory basically describes a mismatch between wants/needs in a relationship, which leads to one partner “tolerating” the other’s infidelity.
Well, a new study by ClarityCheck suggests that much of Gen Z is stuck in this dating dynamic, where exclusivity is an uncertain and often off-limits topic. In fact, 34% of the 3,890 adults ages 18-35 surveyed said they are unsure if their romantic relationship is exclusive. In essence, they are turning a blind eye to the fact that their partner might be hooking up with other people.
Additionally, 42% said they waited longer than three months before discussing exclusivity, while 28% said they never directly addressed the topic. This is probably why “situational relationships” are so popular right now: because no one is willing to ask the hard questions or demand what they want.
Why talking about exclusivity has become taboo
The study suggests that digital communication plays a massive role in today’s lack of exclusivity – or at least the lack of conversations around it. In fact, 59% of respondents said that seeing their crushes interacting with others on social media has kept them from requesting exclusivity. What’s more, 31% claimed that online discourse around dating and commitment has influenced their approach to dating.
I mean, if you just scroll for a few minutes on TikTok, you will come across various videos from dating gurus or experts with conflicting opinions. Overexposure to this kind of content can confuse us and even trigger self-doubt.
Then of course there is the idea that there is always someone “better” to connect with. With so many options at their fingertips, many people refuse to settle down with just one person or actually take the time to get to know them.
“Before the smartphone era, people might have been willing to stick around longer and give dating partners more chances,” Hal Shorey, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and professor of clinical psychology at Widener University, wrote in a Psychology today article. “It just wasn’t that easy to meet people outside of the club scene. So you might have had a chance to grow on someone. But now, in the current era, a slip or bad date can result in the other person throwing their line back in the pond to catch another fish… It’s just too easy. This makes it even more important to know when and how to have the conversation solely about dating.”
The impact of uncertainty in dating
Uncertainty about exclusivity is sure to trigger anxiety among daters, and the ClarityCheck survey only supports this notion. In fact, 44% of respondents said ambiguity around exclusivity caused stress and anxiety.
Another concern is mismatched expectations. A whopping 38% of respondents said they had previously assumed exclusivity from a partner who wasn’t actually on the same page. This lack of transparency can be detrimental to relationships. Not to mention, it can also put your sexual health at risk. If you assume someone only sleeps with you, you may not be as careful or guarded when it comes to sex.
“Modern dating has created more opportunities to connect, but not necessarily more clarity,” said Ihor Herasymov, CEO of ClarityCheck. “What we see is that many people invest emotionally in relationships before they have direct conversations about what those relationships actually are, and that disconnect often creates confusion, anxiety, and mismatched expectations.”
