When did ‘Working on yourself’ become a full-time job?
Have you noticed that “working on yourself” has become more of a stressful full-time job than a healthy personal goal?
No matter where you look today, you’ll easily find (or be bombarded by) self-help content that tells you how to be a better person. Whether it’s gaining more confidence, becoming more assertive in relationships, learning emotional regulation or improving your physique, it seems there’s always something we can improve ourselves.
Don’t get me wrong, self-improvement is important – and it’s one of my priorities. But if you don’t find balance in your life, it can quickly snowball into more of a self-deprecating routine than a meaningful healing journey.
A monitored self-help world
In the self-help corner of the internet, it can be felt irresponsible so as not to treat yourself as a project – or worse: a problem to be solved. By constantly consuming content that pathologizes our pain and humanity, we tend to believe that we are deeply flawed or even morally reprehensible.
For example, I recently saw a post online that labeled insecure people as self-absorbed, harmful, and abnormal. It was nuanced and raised some valid points, many of which I agreed with. But it also bordered on demonizing what is often a devastating effect of trauma, abuse, neglect and even mental illness.
I believe this type of content is well-intentioned, simply calling out negative patterns and encouraging vulnerable self-reflection. But it can also create a sense of hypervigilance in those who are already suffering psychologically or emotionally. Empathy for ourselves and others (with limits!) can go a long way.
None of us are perfect. We can all be annoying, selfish, insecure, messy, jealous and defensive, sometimes making these traits our entire personality for some time. Does that mean we shouldn’t admit our mistakes and try to be a better version of ourselves? Of course not.
But sometimes it’s okay to admit you’re imperfect, without shame on yourself, and while working on yourself. The right people will love you despite your flaws while encouraging growth. There is no rush to the finish line.
When ‘Working on yourself’ becomes a full-time job
I don’t know about you, but when I first got into self-help and “doing the work” it became a compulsion for me. I was not operating from a place of love, but rather a place of fear and shame. I ridiculed myself for every minor mistake I made, analyzed every conversation I had to make sure I was kind and grounded, and devoured every self-help book I could get my hands on.
But actually I wasn’t performs the worklike feeling my emotions or processing my grief. I just over-intellectualized my behavior and beat myself up for not “being better”.
Self-improvement is an incredible goal that everyone should prioritize, but it shouldn’t take value over your joy, presence, and self-expression. Believe me, I had to learn this the hard way as I used to find purpose and satisfaction in improving myself every day. In fact, I still do! There is nothing wrong with that.
But also remember, you don’t have to be perfect to deserve love and respect. You can skip your five-step morning routine and just sip your coffee while reading a sappy romance. You can binge-watch trashy reality TV after a long day at work instead of writing about your day. You are allowed to enjoy your life without turning it into a performance improvement plan.
The most healing happens when you actually let yourself live.
